


Desire

by JJ_Smith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Genderfluid Character, Trans Female Character, genderfluid!Teddy, mtf!James
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-04
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-28 10:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJ_Smith/pseuds/JJ_Smith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ABANDONED When James realises she's actually a girl, it turns her world upside down. Slowly she discovers herself and becomes more confident in her identity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Prologue**

 

James has always felt like there was something wrong about her, something that didn’t truly click. She loves playing with other boys, but she never feels like she is one of them. She doesn’t realise why that is until her second year at Hogwarts.

It is the third week of school and she finally has a chance to try out the map she’s stolen from her dad’s office. He’s told her once how it works, and that if she behaves she’d get it one day. James had to hold back a laugh at that; it’s no secret that her dad had snuck out a lot at night. Instead of behaving, she took a leaf out of her grandfather’s book and stole the map. She figures it’s her dad’s own fault for naming her after two marauders.

It is much easier to sneak around the castle now that she can see where the teachers are. She isn’t planning on doing anything too bad; she just wants to go up to the astronomy tower to look at the stars. And if she maybe passes Professor Thymen’s office on the way there it would just be too tempting to put a curse on his door. It’s the man’s own fault; she really didn’t deserve that detention he’d given her just because she hadn’t finished her charm’s essay on time. It had only been the beginning of the school year; James had still had to get used to the structure of school again. Before she can reach his office, however, she notices a prefect out on patrol. She didn’t notice him before, and he’s alarmingly close. She quietly slips into an empty room and waits for the prefect to pass.

It’s just her luck that the prefect decides to pause right outside the door. She barely manages to suppress a groan and turns to find a chair or something to sit on. The room is suspiciously empty; most classrooms that aren’t used are filled with desks and chairs anyway. It takes James some time before she notices a mirror in one corner. She walks over to it, since there’s not really anything else to do, and hopes it’s not one of those talking mirrors.

To her great surprise, she doesn’t see herself in the mirror. There’s a girl there. The girl does move exactly the same as James, and upon closer examination, James can see that she is the girl! The same brown eyes are looking back at her. Her nose is the exact same, and her hair, though a little longer, is still as messy as hers is now. She twirls before the mirror, and the dark green dress her reflection’s wearing moves gracefully along with the movement. It feels right to see herself in the mirror as a girl, and she can hardly take her eyes off of her reflection. The prefect has long since left the hallway, but James is still twirling in front of the mirror, staring in awe at her reflection. Nearly half an hour passes before she comes to the startling realization as to why she likes her reflection so much. She _is_ a girl.

In that moment all her life begins making sense, why she always felt so different from other boys. Why it always felt so restricting to wear pants. Why her body didn’t feel like her own. She smiles at her reflection, tears blinking in her eyes. “I’m a girl,” she whispers to herself.

Dawn is nearly breaking by the time she finally climbs back into her bed. Her emotions are all over the place. She’s ecstatic to finally understand this big part of her, but it’s also terrifying and horrible because her body doesn’t match the one she saw in the mysterious mirror.

The next day is a Saturday, and while she’d normally be outside playing a game of quidditch with other second years, this Saturday she locks herself in the library. She reckons her aunt Hermione would be proud of her for willingly going to the library. She isn’t the only student in the library, though she’s pretty sure she’s the only Gryffindor. A couple of first year Hufflepuffs are being tutored by Sarah, the sixth year Seeker for Hufflepuff. James has always found Sarah attractive, which now causes a whole lot of questions. If she’s a girl, and she likes girls, does that make her a lesbian? It’s all confusing and a part of James wishes she hadn’t found the mirror the previous night.

She passes a mixed group of Ravenclaws and Slytherin’s when she realises she has no idea what she’s looking for. She can’t just ask someone for advice on this problem. How do you even begin telling someone you think you have the wrong body?

James decides to go through all the different sections, in the hope of finding a book that’ll help her. She skips the magical creature section, since she doubts she’ll find her answer there. She goes through the charms books first, but after just fifteen minutes she moves on already. Transfiguration is next. While there are several textbooks on how to change your appearance, none of them are very helpful with her problem. She writes off Defense against the Dark Arts as well, since she doubts she’s been hexed to have a boy’s body. Her parents would have told her if that had happened.

By the time she reaches the herbology section, she gives up with a sigh. She’s never going to find her answer and she resigns herself to a life of living in a body that feels wrong.


	2. A knight in shining dress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long. Pokémon Y happened, and I've been playing that way too much.

**Chapter 1 - A knight in shining dress**

Nothing changes, except for how James sees herself, until Christmas break in her third year. Teddy’s staying with them, to James’ greatest joy, and what’s even better is that she gets to share her room with Teddy. They’re not technically related, but she’s always considered the guy her brother. James can’t remember a time when she didn’t look up to Teddy. She especially likes his hair, and how often he changes it. One day it’ll be short, the next it’ll be long. He’ll regularly change it from light blue, to bright pink to some natural colour.

When James comes back from a day of last-minute Christmas shopping with her mum, she finds something in her room she’d never had suspected. Teddy’s wearing a dress! James can’t do more than stare in shock. Maybe Teddy is like her? Her heart is beating fast; the possibility of finally getting some answers is overwhelming her and she can’t get out a word.

After half a minute, Teddy notices her there and panics. “Close the door!” he shouts, hurrying over to close it himself when James doesn’t move. “You can’t tell anyone, okay? I’m not ready for people to know about this,” he gestures to his dress.

James finally collects her thoughts. “Teddy, are you a girl?” she asks timidly.

Teddy lets out a laugh. “No, I’m not.”

All of James’ hope shatters; she tries to hide it, but Teddy’s concerned look tell her that it’s clear on her face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Teddy asks, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I… I thought you were like me,” she whispers, throwing caution to the wind. She’s been hiding this… this thing for over a year now, and she’s tired.

“What do you mean? Are you a girl?” Teddy asks, his voice soft and warm.

James nods. “I think I am,” she whispers. “I feel like a girl, but my body…” James falls silent. She doesn’t have to tell Teddy about her body; he knows it’s a boy body.

“Oh, sweetie, come sit down with me.” Teddy gently guides her to sit next to him on her bed. “How long have you felt like a girl?”

“Always, but I didn’t know I felt like one until last year. I found this mirror and I saw myself as a girl in it. Am I under a spell? Is there something wrong with me?” James is beginning to panic a little. What if there really is something terribly wrong? She’ll have to tell her parents and she doesn’t want that.

“Whoa, calm down. There’s nothing wrong with you,” Teddy assures her. “I’m… a little like you, but it’s a bit more complicated with me.”

James frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Sometimes I’m a girl, and sometimes I’m a boy,” Teddy explains. “It’s a little fluid with me.”

“Is that why you sometimes have long hair?” James asks. She feels a lot better now. Teddy may not be entirely like her, but he’s a little like her, which means that she’s not alone and she’s not a freak.

Teddy laughs again. “You noticed that? Clever girl.”

If Teddy’s confession made her feel good, hearing Teddy call her a girl is like a supernova bursting inside her. James’ smile is blinding; this feels better than anything she’s ever felt.

“You like how that sounds?” Teddy asks, enjoying her bright smile.

James nods. “So, I really am a girl?”

“You’re as much of a girl as Victoire,” Teddy confirms.

“But she’s so pretty and girly. I can never be like her,” James murmurs, looking down at her feet. “I don’t even have any dresses.”

Teddy puts a finger under James’ chin and lifts her head up to look at him. “Now, listen closely, because this is very important. You are a girl, and it doesn’t matter how many dresses you have. It also doesn’t matter how long your hair is, or how your body looks. You are a girl, a fantastic girl.”

James smiles hesitantly and nods. She understands what Teddy’s saying, but it’s still difficult to believe.

“Besides, I can always buy you a dress,” Teddy mentions casually, thought the smirk on his face betrays that he knows how much that comment means to James.

“Would you?!” she asks, not even bothering to contain her excitement. “Please, Teddy? I can’t tell mum or dad and I trust you and… please, Teddy?”

“I guess it’s a good thing I hadn’t bought you a Christmas present yet, is it?” Teddy jokes and he reaches out to ruffle her hair. “Give me some time to change, and we’ll go to muggle London to find you something nice. Go tell Aunt Ginny that I’m taking you out shopping for Christmas gifts.”

James is about to leave when she remembers she’s only just returned from Christmas shopping. “I just went shopping with mum already; are you sure she’ll be okay with me going with you?” It’s a silly thing to worry about; of course her mum would be okay with her going with Teddy. Everyone loves Teddy, but he’s terrible at buying gifts. One year he’d bought her a pair of socks that changed color with the weather for Christmas.

“Tell her I’m kidnapping you or something,” Teddy says, pushing James out. “Now go; I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

James doesn’t have time to reply before Teddy closes the door behind her. Ginny happily agrees to let James go with Teddy.

“Please, make sure he buys some proper gifts this time. I do not need another set of towels!” she reminds James.

James nods, though the words hardly register. She’s going to get a dress! She’s going to be able to dress how she wants, even if for now it’s only in private.

Teddy stumbles into the kitchen with a laugh. “I’ve come to kidnap little Jamesie,” he jokes. “I hope you don’t mind. And if you do, tough luck.” He grabs James’ hand and immediately begins pulling her away.

“Be home in time for dinner!” Ginny shouts after them. “And be safe! I want you both back unharmed.”

Teddy quickly closes the door behind him. “You accidentally blow up a shack once and you hear about it the rest of your life,” he murmurs. “I didn’t even hurt anyone!”

“You scared the cat, though,” James pipes in. “She wouldn’t come close to the house for two weeks, except for food.”

Teddy shrugs it off. “Your cat’s weird anyway. She is plotting to kill me; I’m sure of it.”

“Can you blame her?” James teases. She has to duck and run away quickly before Teddy can grab her. He has to chase her halfway down the street until he gets a hold of her.

“Take it back! I’m a delight to be around,” he says.

“Never,” James replies, sticking out her tongue. It’s the wrong thing to do, because Teddy lets out a laugh and begins tickling her. James tries to worm away from his grip, but to no avail. After several failed attempts she begs for mercy. “Fine! You’re a delight to be around!” she barely manages to get out between her laughter. “Now please, let me go!”

They keep teasing each other until they reach the store Teddy had in mind. Seeing it makes James freeze up with nerves.

“I’m not sure I’m ready,” she says softly. “What if they say mean things? I don’t look like a girl; they’ll laugh if I buy a dress. Teddy, let’s go home.” She pulls on Teddy’s sleeve to get him along with her.

“Hey, calm down. I know the people that work here. I come here all the time to buy my dresses,” he explains to her. “No one here is going to laugh at you, I promise. Lots of girls like you come here.”

James smiles a little hesitantly. “What if someone does laugh?” she asks.

“Then I’ll punch them in the face,” Teddy answers immediately. “But that’s not going to happen. Do you trust me?”

James nods. She does trust Teddy. She’d trust him with her life, if she had to.

“Now, let’s go find you a pretty dress.” Teddy takes James’ hand and gently pulls her along.

The shop is crammed full with as many clothing racks as fit inside. A woman approaches them, her arms spread wide as she greets Teddy. “Edward, back so soon? You spoil me.” She hugs him tightly.

Teddy laughs and returns the hug equally as enthusiastic. “I didn’t come for me this time, Susan. I brought my little sister with me to get her her first dress.” Teddy pushes James forward so Susan can greet her as well.

James doesn’t know what to expect from the woman, but it certainly isn’t the hug she’s pulled into. “Any friend of Edward’s is a friend of mine.” She pulls back and smiles warmly at James. “Edward said that this is your first dress; are you out yet at home?”

James shakes her head timidly, preparing herself for a disappointed look. She’s pleasantly surprised by Susan’s reaction, though.

“That’s okay. Whenever you need a place to feel safe, feel free to visit your auntie Susan. I’ve always got a cup of tea ready for people who need it.” Susan’s warm words are nearly enough to bring James to tears and she has to swallow before she can respond without her voice shaking.

“Thank you,” she says. James doesn’t have a lot of time to let Susan’s hospitable offer sink in before both Susan and Teddy guide her towards the dresses in her size.

The first dress James tries on is fiery red and she can’t help but spin as she watched herself in the mirror. “I feel right,” she tells Teddy and the knowing look on his face tells James that he understands the feeling.

“You look beautiful,” Susan says, holding up a dark blue dress. “Try this one on next; I think it’ll look great with your complexion.

James can’t suppress the giggle as she tried on the next dress. It’s a lot tighter than the previous one, and James doesn’t really like the way her hips don’t quite fill the dress right, but other than that it’s beautiful. James can see herself wearing it on a date, preferably with Sarah, though she’ll never have a chance with the Hufflepuff. Sarah is four years older, not to mention she has a girlfriend already. That’s not going to stop James from dreaming, though.

The next hour passes in a flurry of dresses in just about every colour of the rainbow. After a cup of coffee with Susan and meeting several other customers who are all apparently friendly with Teddy, James leaves with two bags of new clothes with her.

“You really didn’t have to buy all of these,” she insists once again. Even with the discount Susan had given them, it was still a lot of money.

“Of course I had to,” Teddy says. “You’re my sister and I want to make you happy. You may not be able to wear these a lot, but you should have them. I’ll hex your wardrobe to have a hiding place for them, if you want me to.”

“You’re the best!” James had been a little worried about hiding the dresses from her siblings, who still didn’t seem to grasp the concept of privacy.

“I just want to see you happy,” Teddy tells her as he holds out his arm for her to apparate them home again.

 


End file.
